Keeping Up With...
It’s been quite a long minute since my last little ‘written ditty’. I mean life happens and with that, spewing thoughts out on the internet becomes rather secondary in terms of priority.
Recently I was in a conversation with girlfriends and I was going on to them about what I like to call ‘The Try On’. (One of the girlfriends I was with was sadly a recent victim of ‘The Try On’ and I was merely breaking it down to her cause she was sitting in front of me all heartbroken and stuff.)
Yup, 'The Try On' has nothing to do with fashion and everything to do with matters of the heart.
Look, I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of putting people through this, it’s not just a thing that dudes do. I know I’ve done it to a chap or two (said with shame) at different points in my dating history and had it done to me numerous times which is I guess when I started noticing the pattern. I just didn't have a name for it then.
How does ‘The Try On’ work? Well, let me break it down for you…(bearing in mind this is something I made up based on observation, I don’t actually know if it’s a legit ‘thing’!)
*I’ll use the ‘boy meets girl’ example as that’s the situation my girlfriend was in recently…and many girlfriends before her – not to ‘male sham’ at all but to keep the explanation simple. Girls are equally guilty of this.
THE TRY ON EXAMPLE:
Boy meets girl, boy seems to really like girl, girl is kind of neither here nor there about boy, she’s met him twice. Boy chases, boy spoils, boy integrates girl in life, boy makes effort to be available, boy plans date nights, brings over dinner, deletes Tinder in front of girl, boy txts girl first thing in the morning and last thing at night, boy suggests long term plans like holidays or meeting parents…this all happens in a rather short timeframe (like a month or two) and leaves girl thinking, wow I may have misread this guy I wasn’t even sure I was into, he’s amazing and is very clearly into me and making the effort to be with me, SO girl lets her guard down, starts reciprocating guys actions. She invites him into her friend group, she agrees a holiday would be good, she says she is free and would love to see him tonight cause well she’s allowed to, right? It’s what he’s been doing for her, it’s only fair she gets onboard?
Then, eeeevvvveerr so subtly guy goes a bit MIA…the txts become less, he’s a little harder to reach, or make plans with…you know where I’m going. It’s an incredibly polite way of dude creating distance which then makes girl feel anxious and a little needy. She feels like something is ‘off’…She’s not wrong, but she can’t get to the bottom of why because he was just so into her. Right?
WRONG! He was into how she made him feel about…HIMSELF. He was trying her on for size to see how he felt about wearing her for longer than a couple of months. Acting all madly in love and like a person who’s one year into a serious relationship but…in WEEKS…Yeah, I know it seems obvious now. If someone is so full on when they don’t really know us, we’ve got to ask ourselves why?
As soon as she started making him feel like she wanted him back, and wanted him to continue how he had started, he retreated because it’s highly likely that he realised he wasn’t sure about his feelings for HER but damn, he loved feeling like the good guy while he was ‘wooing her’...yup, once again, about HIM. Not his feelings for…HER.
‘The Try On’ is just that. Gurl, you got tried on, he loved how he looked with you all over him but he hadn’t purchased you yet in his mind/heart so when you went to collect the receipts, he freaked out.
It’s maddening right?
Look, I have no idea how ‘The Try On’ can be ‘fixed’ or changed…I’m not even sure it can be, but maybe, just maybe, some awareness could be brought to the situation and if you’re in something that feels like it could be a ‘Try On’ you’ll maybe be able to recognise it early?
I mean, I’m not a friggen phycologist…I just know we are all better than being just ‘Tried On’. AKA sucked into a ‘faux relationship’ that exists purely to stroke the other halfs ego/fill a space for them where they feel good about themselves at our expence.
So, there you go – that’s the ‘The Try On’ – may it not happen to you, may you not be the perpetrator of a 'Try On', and if you feel like you may be getting 'Tried On' this very minute, jump ship ASAP haha!
Love Caro x
Posted: Wednesday 11 September 2019